you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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