im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
