is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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