My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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