They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
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I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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