chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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