we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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