I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
this is an emotional support booty call
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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