I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
