My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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