god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And then my night got REAL pukey
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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