the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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