so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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