The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
