I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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