Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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