I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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