Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
