you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
