Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
