worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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