Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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