I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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