i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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