Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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