the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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