Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
