There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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