Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
