I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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