I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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