i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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