Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
