Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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