My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my shit smells like andre
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
