Dual....:-)
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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