chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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