Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
