I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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