he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
