We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
