i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
