And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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