I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
