I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
