I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
