I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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