You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
