I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
