You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
