In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
