Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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