If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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