just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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