I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
