I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
