Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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