she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
