i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
