I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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