Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
