Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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