How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
