did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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