Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
