Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
