Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
